Bu's Beachfront Grill

Typical beachside dive bar & grill with no "theme".

What we had:

Grouper fingers and a french dip. The grouper fingers were straight off the Sysco truck. Not good at all, and there was a whole basketful of them. I think my DH's sandwich was decent. I didn't taste it. His fries were edible.

Décor:

We ate outside. It's right on the boardwalk, so it's a good place to people-watch and stare at the surf (if you can see around the tacky beer flags).

Service:

Terrible. The large-chested girl that waited on us in beachwear was pretty much absent the whole time, and the owners periodically came out to gripe at each other about drama between them and the either the restaurant on the other side of the building, or the bar up the street.

Overall impressions:

A total waste of a meal. I would rather eat at McDonald's. There are way too many good-smelling, interesting places to eat further down the boardwalk (we parked at the Oceanside Mall and this was the first place we saw that looked easy and simple). At least it wasn't Jimmy Buffett-themed. There is that.

Company website; what Google says

Rating:

2 out of 5 salamanders

Andiamo!

Excited pizza in North Miami Beach located in the 55th street station (a few hipster-style restaurants and a boutique in the middle of Miami's version of urban sprawl)

What we had:

A pie with meatballs all over; half egglplant, half pepperoni. The crust was perfectly done (New York style thin and crispy), the cheese was abundant and fresh and the toppings were really good. I think a human actually made the meatballs. The eggplant wasn't fried, either. The topping selection is also impressive, and fresh. The sauce was nice and light, too, with a bright flavor. The menu is pretty extensive, with a large selection of decently-priced specialty pizzas, salads, paninis, philly steak & cheese sandwiches and beer.

Décor:

We saw this place while driving to the beach last weekend, and I fell in love with the architecture. It's grey, arch-y and has neat chairs out front. Sometimes picking a place to eat because it's pretty is a good plan. Luckily, this was one of those times.

Service:

Decent.

Overall impressions:

So far, it's our favorite pizza in town.

Company website; what Google says

Rating:

4 out of 5 salamanders

Latin American Bayside Cafe

Great latino food overlooking the water... what more could you ask for?

What we had:

We had 2 versions of Cuban sandwich. The regular on a regular Cuban roll and the midnight on a sweet Cuban roll. Neither of us are sure which bread was the best. The sweet complimented the perfectly cooked pork nicely, while the regular offered a nice crunch. Both were great.

Décor:

See the first line. What more could you want?

Service:

Good service.

Overall impressions:

We will definitely be back. The food was really good, and the menu was huge. There was also a live band starting up in the stage area of the mall/boardwalk/whatever, and that was great.

What Google says

Rating:

3 out of 5 salamanders

Miss Yip Chinese Cafe

At last, the very next day, my faith in humanity was restored. I might like to run away with Miss Yip and her tasty tasty dim sums.

What we had:

We had to order more, it was so good. We started off with the vegetable wontons and the Mama Yip platter (both dim sum). The vegetable wontons (fried) were so good, we almost cried. The Mama Yip had a little of everything--pork dumplings so good you wanted to swim in them, the best shrimp dumplings I've ever had (I think better than in San Francisco's China Town even), mushroom dumplings (I loved them) and vegetable dumplings (those kicked ass, too)--all steamed. We then had to order the pan-fried pork dumplings, which were also amazing.

Décor:

Nice old downtown-style building meets classy Chinese meets pinups. Fantabulous.

Service:

Good service.

Overall impressions:

I want to run away with Miss Yip. Or move in. Whichever. I'm considering moving near the convention center, just so I can order delivery.

Company website; what Google says

Rating:

4 out of 5 salamanders

Miccosukee Restaurant

Micco-suck-ass restaurant is more like it.

What we had:

I'll start out with the good. The fry bread was great. The fries didn't make me want to cry. My DH's microwaved sausage dog was edible. Now for the rest: The steak sandwich was in-freakin-edible. I managed to choke one bite down, but just barely. I really think it was horse. Cow doesn't taste like that. I haven't had a meal that bad in a long long time. The slaw might have been poisonous. It had some weird-ass sweet thing going on that was barf-enducing.

Décor:

Cheap plastic tables overlooking the everglades.

Service:

Terrible. The waiter did the entire tribe a disservice. He upheld every negative stereotype I've heard (minus drunk) about native americans. I didn't even want to stop in the visitor center next door to learn more about the tribe and the ongoing war. Maybe that was it. Maybe the cook is slowly trying to poison vacationers.

Overall impressions:

My faith in humanity was dampened by that lunch.

I'm not even looking it up. Suffice it to say, don't go. The crap-shack is directly across the street from Shark Valley in the Everglades.

Rating:
1 out of 5 salamanders

Jalsico's Tex Mex Something or Other

Strip-mall TexMex

What we had:

I ordered the carnitas taco with pineapple. The cook said the pork wasn't good, so I got fish tacos. They were okay. Not great, and not something I'd like again. My DH had some humongous burrito thing that was smothered in cheese. The beans were hideous. I'll admit, we're spoiled, but they were straight outta the can.

Décor:

A strip mall in Sunny Isles...

Service:

I kind of felt bad for the guy. He knew maybe 20 words in English, and the cook was really really really slow. You could tell he felt bad.

Overall impressions:

Meh. Not great.

I can't even find it on Google.

Rating:

2 out of 5 salamanders

Hiro Sushi Express

Sushi/Japanese take-out and delivery. Big bonus: you can order online.

What we had:

I had the eel-topped California Roll: Crab, cucumber, avocado & masago, topped with unagi.
Crunch & Caliente Roll: Spicy salmon, shrimp, scallion, avocado and tempura flake outside.
Conch Fritter appetizer
The eel was very tender, and the spicy roll was actually spicy. The sushi here is great.
My DH had the Yaki Udon with Chicken: Stir-fried noodles with chicken and vegetables. The udon was pretty tasteless. No seasoning whatsoever.

Décor:

Our living room

Service:

It took 55 minutes to be delivered.

Overall impressions:

The Japanese dinner was not great, but the sushi hit the spot. We would definitely order from here again, even though it took 55 minutes to get here.

Company website; what Google says

Rating:

3 out of 5 salamanders

Red Lobster

I'm imagining everyone has been to a Red Lobster at one time or another. It's corporate, and the funniest part is, the food may be frozen, it may all come from HQ, but the menu is still inventive, the food has always been more forward-thinking than most mom & pop joints (read: not fried, and seafood in multiple configurations other than the standard combo platter) and in most parts of the country, this is really the only good place you can go for seafood. I find it really interesting that for as long as I've been going to "the Lobster" (since the 80s), it has remained inventive with its menu items and the quality has remained even-keeled. I remember Sunday trips to "the Lobster" with my Nan on our big shopping days... ordering the crab legs (and devouring them like a hungry crab-eating wolf), learning about the joys of a pre-dinner salad and feeling like I was on top of the world.

Having said that, I will add that I feel bad eating here (even though the cheesy biscuits are sooo good), because it's still corporate and evil and I live near the beach, for chrissakes. But we had a gift card, dammit.

What we had:

I had my usual combo platter with a twist: they now offer (overcooked but I don't care) grilled shrimp. I had grilled shrimp, Snow crab legs and seafood-stuffed flounder with a langustino-topped baked potato. Actually, I had the flounder and potato for lunch the next day, because I thought I was going to split after the crab, shrimp, cheesy biscuits & Caesar salad. It's not high-quality food, but it's good, and it's reliable. (we went here before Captain Jim's).

My DH had some langustino-topped fillet of fish dish. The broccoli was waaaayyyy under-done.

We also saw on the menu what could be my husband's undoing; a chocolate-chip lava cookie topped with vanilla ice cream. We must go back. He got so excited when he saw that on the menu, I swear the man almost teared up. Any food that makes my love squeal with delight like a schoolgirl must be eaten. Lard be damned!

Décor:

It's Red Lobster.

Service:

Red Lobster-esque.

Overall impressions:

I don't care if it is evil, it's comfort food. Even though they couldn't cook lobster to save their collective lives, the shrimp is always rubbery and the crab is occasionally soggy. I don't care. (cheesy biscuits) We will totally go back.

Company website; what Google says

Rating:

3 out of 5 salamanders

New York Roma Pizza & Mario the Baker Pizza

These 2 aren't even worth real posts. Meh and meh. Not great at all. Edible, but barely. We got delivery thin crust from both. Half pepperoni/half eggplant from New York and half pepperoni/half mushroom from Mario.

I will say that I was impressed by the amount of toppings on the pizza from Mario.

The sauce on both pizzas was pretty tasteless, the cheese almost non-existent. Neither was burnt, so that's a plus. Neither had any taste, either.

Needless to say, we will not be ordering from either again.

New York Google listing (we ordered from the Collins Ave./Sunny Isles location which is not listed): Mario Google listing, website.

1.5 salamanders for each. Edible, but not an experience I would repeat. I'd rather have Pappa John's.

Captain Jim's Seafood

Fresh seafood restaurant/market with a pretty decent selection of fresh and shipped seafood.

What we had:

I had the stone crab and my DH had the tuna with fries. I had never had stone crab before, so I had no earthly idea what to expect. I love crab, and the black fingernails of the crabs are cute. They kind of look like cartoon claws. I ordered a pound of "medium" crab ($20.99). No side. They were chilled but not frozen, which I didn't expect. The meat was... interesting. I didn't hate it, I didn't love it. There is no threat to King Crab here. Not as bad as Dungeness, not as good as the old standby, Snow. I would like the meat better in a crabcake, I think. It had a different taste. Not muddy, like a Dungeness, just not sweet like a King. Kind of hard to describe. The shell, now that was something else. It was crazy thick. Like, you can't crack it without some form of tool, and thankfully someone had whacked it with a mallet before service. The meat also stuck to the inside of the shell and the white thingie in the middle of the claw like nobody's business. I was actually tired of eating the crab long before I'd finished. (I can inhale some crab. Crab for me is a messy, messy experience. I will go after a shred of crab like a weiner on a badger.) I also think I detected the faint taste of bleach, but I'm not 100% sure on that one. I am extremely sensitive to bleach, and it could very well just have been carry-over from cleaning the cases out. I just mention it here, more as a note to myself as something to watch for next time.

My DH's tuna steak was great. Seasoned well, cooked nice and rare. The meal was also served with a nice crab salad appetizer of sorts with crackers. It was tasty, but I miss hushpuppies.

Décor:

The decor was typical local fish joint. There wasn't much. Plastic plates & cutlery, but that's a good sign for a local fish joint.

Service:

Not bad. The girl that brought our drinks was strange, but the waitress/barmaid was nice enough.

Overall impressions:

We will go back. There were 4 or 5 things on the menu I was excited about (including conch). The food seems honest. Not fancy, but fresh and honest. And, I saw almost nothing on the menu that you had to order fried.

No company website; what Google says

Rating:

3 out of 5 salamanders (tentatively, I'm hoping for 4 next time)

Houston's

Although their website would have you believe that this is one of those rare "local" and somehow different and therefore better restaurants that are part of a massive consortium, I really didn't get that feel. This place just feels like a chain. Albeit, of the upscale Chang's/Bonefish ilk.

The decor was nice, I will give it that. The view was amazing.

The website bills this place (A Hillstone venture) as simply American. I would agree with that. The menu wasn't "steakhouse" or any one feel. It seemed to be a bit of just general, everyday food. We had no idea what to expect going in, having only heard that the salads were great and the main dish a friend had gotten was so-so.

What we had:

I had the prime rib with a side I can't remember and the house salad. My DH had a roast beef sandwich with fries. The prime rib was pretty tasteless as prime rib goes. They didn't use any seasoning at all, bar a light dusting of salt & pepper on the top. Generally, I'm all for simple preparation, but in the case of a prime rib, a bit of garlic, rosemary or even a nice red go a long way towards enhancing the natural flavor of the beef. Not so at Houston's. I was sad, but it was pretty tasteless. A shame, really. I will say, in the interest of attempting to be as objective as possible that I'm somewhat of a steak Nazi. I know what I like, and I will tolerate nothing less. I like my meat tender, flavorful, bloody and succulent. Over-cooked shoe leather is simply not an option. I tend to feel in those cases, capital punishment should be not only expected but encouraged. This was a tender piece of meat, don't get me wrong, I was just disappointed by the lack of taste. And the lack of proper selection on the menu in the case of steak, too. Possibly because I was craving cow the night we went. They did have a fillet on the menu, but I wasn't feeling trusting a restaurant I didn't know with a cut of meat that has sorely disappointed over the past few years (I'm convinced that the standard for calling a cut of meat a "fillet" has changed--gone is the buttery smoothness of my youth--replaced with too much fat, and too much grain) that night. The salad, now that's a different story altogether. The salad was great. It had romaine, the ubiquitous iceberg, real bacon, egg, croutons, and I can't remember what all else. I was loving it. The house dressing is a honey-mustard vinaigrette.

My DH's sandwich was pretty good. No real complaints, except that the bread would have been better toasted. He thought it was decent, not great, not wanting to make his belly cry. The fries were okay, too.

Décor:

The decor was nice. Interesting pieces on the wall, lots of high-backed black leather booths. Open floorplan style massive chain restaurant. The view, however, was amazing. Right on the water.

Service:

Not bad. The waiters in black were nice, as were the managers in suits and the hostesses in jackets. They blended nice with the after-work/out for a night out crowd.

Overall impressions:

I would like to go back for the salad. I wouldn't go back for anything else. The prices for the quality just didn't warrant it. Come to think of it, I bet I could find a better salad somewhere that didn't try so hard while not trying at all.

Company website; what Google says

Rating:

2 out of 5 salamanders